Yachting Monthly
- Digital edition
Boat jokes to make you smile
- Laura Hodgetts
- October 19, 2020
A round-up of the most amusing nautical jokes we can find! If you have a side-splitter you would like to share, please email [email protected]
What do sailors use to blow their noses?
Anchor-chiefs.
Barcode Navy
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian!
Driving me nuts!
An âol salt swaggers into a bar.
He has a shipâs wheel stuffed into the front of his trousers.
The bartender says, âHey, youâve got a shipâs wheel in your trousers!â
The âol salt says, âAye mate and itâs driving me nuts!â
CARTOON CREDIT: Kieron Black
A colourful crash
A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned.
Small change
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender: âGive me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!â
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims: âWow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.â
The sailor replies: âWell, youâd drink that fast too, if you had what I have.â
The bartender says: âOh my God! What is it? What do you have?â
â50p!â replied the sailor.
Donât start anything!
A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.
The dockhand says: âIâm sorry, sir, but I canât let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.â
âOf course I donât have a tie on,â replied the sailor, âIâm on a boat!â
âWell, go down below and put one on,â said the dockhand.
âI donât HAVE one!â shouted the sailor.
The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: âWell, why donât you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.â
After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. âThis is all I could find to put around my neck,â he said.
Sighing, the deck hand said: âOK, Iâll let you in with those, but just donât start anything.â
Continues below…
Cruising confessions – Donât forget your crew
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A sailing confession: Blinded by the light
Own up to your sailing sin for the chance to win a handheld VHF radio. Open to UK residents only
Cruising circumnavigation in the 1960s
Yachting Monthly was recently contacted to let us know about a new book, written in French and downloadable for free,…
What do you call a sail with only two corners?
âI havenât got a clew!â
Testing a fishy theory
Two sailors are talking:
Sailor A: âI hear fish is good brain food.â
Sailor B: âYeah, I eat it all the time.â
Sailor A: âWell, there goes another theory!â
Professional courtesy
A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.
Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.
Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled: âItâs a miracle!â
âNoâ, said the doctor, âThatâs professional courtesy!â
An expensive snore cure
A woman was nearing the end of her tether â every night her husband snored so loudly that it kept her awake.
She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.
âWell, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,â said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It will cost you a deposit of ÂŁ15,000, and payments of ÂŁ1,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.â
âGood grief!â exclaimed the woman. âThat sounds like Iâm buying a yacht!â
âHmm,â the doctor murmured, âtoo obvious, huh?”
Tricky light change
How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the right size bulb isnât on board, the local marine-supply store doesnât carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.
A little wave
Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
âWhatâs this?â asked the skipper, âIt looks as if someone is drowning!â
âNo,â explained his crew, âItâs just a little wave.â
How did you get that eye patch?
A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirateâs peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: âSo, how did you end up with the peg-leg?â
The pirate replies: âWe were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullinâ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of âem bit me leg off.â
âBlimey!â said the sailor . âAnd howâd you get the hook?â
âArrrrâŚâ, mused the old salt, âI got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.â
âBlimey!â remarked the sailor. âAnd how about the eye patch?â
âOh that,â said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppinâ fell into me eye.â
âYou lost your eye to a seagull dropping?â the questioner asked incredulously.
âWellâŚâ said the old sea dog, “It was me first day with the hook.â
What did the newbie say to the skipper?
Newbie: âDo yachts like this sink very often?â
Skipper: âNo, usually itâs only once.â
A catamaran sailing in the frostbite series race lost its mast and was nearly overturned by a large wave.
The headline in the club newsletter the next day was, âCata-frostic Dismaster.â
Where did she go?
âMy wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.â
âNo, she wanted to.â
And didnât spill a drop.
An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoys of World War II together.
Captain: âAll through those terrible, dark, storm wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full mug of tea on the night watch. How on earth did you manage it without ever spilling a drop?
First mate: âWell Sir, since you ask, I used to take a swig of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the mug when I got to your door.â
Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?
Its timbers were shivering.
No⌠you change your course!
Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, a captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
Reaching for the radio, he says: âChange your course ten degrees east.â
âChange yours ten degrees west,â comes the reply.
The captain responds: âIâm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!â
âIâm a seaman second class,â the next reply comes back. âChange your course, sir.â
The captain is furious. âIâm a battleship! Iâm not changing course!â
The man replies: âIâm in a lighthouse. Your call.â
The magician and the captainâs parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captainâs parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
âLook, itâs not the same hat.â
âLook, he is hiding the flowers under the table.â
âHey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?â
The magician was furious but couldnât do anything; it was, after all, the captainâs parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.
After a week the parrot said: âOK, I give up. Whatâd you do with the ship?”
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